me versus me: the unholy stream of subconscious.

i don't know what i want. i don't know who i am. i don't know where i'm going. all i have are these things i surround myself with. what makes me happy? i'm not too sure. i need to get my shit together but i don't quite know how... i gotta get the courage, gotta get that resilience. where is my strength? has it gone missing again? has it called in sick? why is my heart so heavy? what kind of doctor do you see to nurse your soul back to health? so many questions without answers. there has to be a trick to it. knock over that domino. light that fuse, blow up the whole place. this has gotten me nowhere.

watch me fly.

smoke and ash in my eyes. coins and cash in their minds. all their kids clog their minds wondering what isn't enough. i raise my hands to the heavens but i can't lift myself up. i'm running in circles looking for you. i grasp your hand in mine but you turn to dust. of course of course what did i expect? my mind smiles and tells me i'm nothing but a godforsaken reject. i know better than that but my main concern is where my heart is at. nothing good comes from crying but you'll never know for sure if you're not trying. my heart is an open book but you've got the pen. write it in like the others but i'll just watch it burn again. this girl has big dreams, bigger than you and bigger than me. these dreams mean nothing if she won't make them be- Something - is causing my bones to rattle. it's like every day has become an uphill battle. but i know i can take it though my heart is achin'. this world is mine so i'll open my door. "please god," i say as i watch the sun pour. the angels are singin' and i'm wingin' it but i know i can do this. i can do anything, so watch me be. i can do anything as long as i'm free.

to you, my interest.

to you, although you are happily in love as I am lead to believe.
to you, although you make me nervous with your logic.
to you, although you seem like a complicated puzzle that i'd die to complete.
to you, although you came into my life a year ago and i thought you were weird.
to you, because i don't mind the 'although's.'

I miss you but I will tell no one.

i forgot this place existed.

they want protection but only sometimes. where are your umbrellas when it rains love? typical pick and choose that should be all or nothing. here's the funny part of my life right now: i don't miss you. actually, i hope i never see your face again. it was pleasant to look at, i'll give you that. you melted by heart with your face tilted down but your eyes looking up at me, i'll give you that. but now that you're gone... i know i can go on by myself. i'm stronger without you. you tried to make me fall in love without even looking at me. thank you for taking my heart and dragging it into the pavement when you left this shithole town. i'm over it. kiss my ass.

(that felt so good)

oh oh no

you smile with your piano key teeth
you sing with your crystal heart
you love with your caramel eyes
and it's just wonderful.


i'm my best at words but nights like these can't be verbalized.

per aspera ad astra.

I've got scars on my skin
that read the names of place
I've never been.

An economic low
protudes a
personal woe.

I open my eyes
Morning stings
through the blinds.
Pick myself up
of the ground
make my way
to the mirror
and my head starts to pound.
I can take it
so I break it
and don't care enough
to watch the shattered pieces
fall.

I close my eyes again
And think of the places
I've actually been.
I try to count them,
but I can't remember some.

I open my eyes
change my clothes
brush my teeth with lies.
Put on a coat
Walk out the door
Down the stairs
Down the road

Until I can't remember
who I am
or where to go.

annie get your gun.

"some days go by
i wish i was famous
or maybe religious
so i could go to heaven
just like you."

"the only heart that i broke was mine when i got my hopes up too high"

it's funny how when i thought you loved me i wished you didn't for your sake. i know you don't now. i came so close to telling you to shut the hell up about her, that it burned that she made you happy... but we're standing so close that if i left that bomb off, we'd both rush in opposite directions, one of us in pieces. it all made sense for a while. i could be a normal girl, waving her soldier off at sea. it's so hard to tell yourself there are other loves in the world, especially when you don't know why your current one hurt you so much... why did you hurt me so much? what is it about you that sparkles? maybe you're just ten times as pure as i am. you told me you wouldn't let me go to hell. what if i told you i was already there? past love taught me how to play it cool. "the best way not to get your heart broken," he told me, sitting on his car's hood-- "is to pretend you don't have one." it's not as easy for me. i put all my chips in and lose the bet every time. i don't have an escape route. no pillars to hold my head high. i'm just me. nothing extraordinary. no reason for people to ask me my story, not much of one...

and oh god, my dreams... it haunts me nightly that they won't come true. it's all self-worth and i can't fucking sleep anymore. i can't pretend like they can... i can't become a casualty of consistency and ignorace. my head would burst. i would be dead within the day. i can't handle these thoughts anymore. this is the place to force them out, make them leave be.

do you ever feel like you're only a tragedy of the world? An annoyance? A parriah? A mistake? A waste?
I don't think I'm needed. or wanted. God, I sound like an angsty teenager but maybe that's all i'll ever be... hope it's good enough for all of you.

even after

the hearts we break
the love we take
the mistakes we make
the days we fake
a smile...

life keeps going on,
mile after mile.


keep holding on. don't ever let go of your biggest, wildest dreams. i know today is boring but you'll never know the wild, mysterious journeys tomorrow holds unless you get there! i've been to the darkest dark and to the lightest light and i can tell you, life is worth it. you're worth it. so keep being you, no matter what other people say. You are unique. You are not a carbon-copy of any one on this planet. Keep being you. The world needs you to make a healthy, varied mix. Hold on tight and never let go. Oh, and love always prevails over hate.


















always.