oh oh no

you smile with your piano key teeth
you sing with your crystal heart
you love with your caramel eyes
and it's just wonderful.


i'm my best at words but nights like these can't be verbalized.

per aspera ad astra.

I've got scars on my skin
that read the names of place
I've never been.

An economic low
protudes a
personal woe.

I open my eyes
Morning stings
through the blinds.
Pick myself up
of the ground
make my way
to the mirror
and my head starts to pound.
I can take it
so I break it
and don't care enough
to watch the shattered pieces
fall.

I close my eyes again
And think of the places
I've actually been.
I try to count them,
but I can't remember some.

I open my eyes
change my clothes
brush my teeth with lies.
Put on a coat
Walk out the door
Down the stairs
Down the road

Until I can't remember
who I am
or where to go.

annie get your gun.

"some days go by
i wish i was famous
or maybe religious
so i could go to heaven
just like you."

"the only heart that i broke was mine when i got my hopes up too high"

it's funny how when i thought you loved me i wished you didn't for your sake. i know you don't now. i came so close to telling you to shut the hell up about her, that it burned that she made you happy... but we're standing so close that if i left that bomb off, we'd both rush in opposite directions, one of us in pieces. it all made sense for a while. i could be a normal girl, waving her soldier off at sea. it's so hard to tell yourself there are other loves in the world, especially when you don't know why your current one hurt you so much... why did you hurt me so much? what is it about you that sparkles? maybe you're just ten times as pure as i am. you told me you wouldn't let me go to hell. what if i told you i was already there? past love taught me how to play it cool. "the best way not to get your heart broken," he told me, sitting on his car's hood-- "is to pretend you don't have one." it's not as easy for me. i put all my chips in and lose the bet every time. i don't have an escape route. no pillars to hold my head high. i'm just me. nothing extraordinary. no reason for people to ask me my story, not much of one...

and oh god, my dreams... it haunts me nightly that they won't come true. it's all self-worth and i can't fucking sleep anymore. i can't pretend like they can... i can't become a casualty of consistency and ignorace. my head would burst. i would be dead within the day. i can't handle these thoughts anymore. this is the place to force them out, make them leave be.

do you ever feel like you're only a tragedy of the world? An annoyance? A parriah? A mistake? A waste?
I don't think I'm needed. or wanted. God, I sound like an angsty teenager but maybe that's all i'll ever be... hope it's good enough for all of you.

even after

the hearts we break
the love we take
the mistakes we make
the days we fake
a smile...

life keeps going on,
mile after mile.


keep holding on. don't ever let go of your biggest, wildest dreams. i know today is boring but you'll never know the wild, mysterious journeys tomorrow holds unless you get there! i've been to the darkest dark and to the lightest light and i can tell you, life is worth it. you're worth it. so keep being you, no matter what other people say. You are unique. You are not a carbon-copy of any one on this planet. Keep being you. The world needs you to make a healthy, varied mix. Hold on tight and never let go. Oh, and love always prevails over hate.


















always.

i dream of your castle crashin'; just let me past your walls.

i never wanted to fall in love with you. god knows you were only going to walk right out of my door one day. i never should have let you in. to my heart, to my mind, to my apartment... i mean, jesus, you're everywhere in the place i call home. i try to forget about you and then i think, "ah, i remember when this happened in this room..." and i just fall right back in. it's helpless; it's hopeless. i know i'm immensely annoying and a general waste of your time, but please don't write me off just yet-- i'm in love with you. hell yes i never should have done those things, but i did, and it's over. i can't erase the things i've thought and how you've made me feel. it's done. give me some chances (i've ran away from saying "a chance" because mistakes are human error and god knows i fuck up) and i'll shine so bright i'll blind you, or try to. i know you're leaving soon but i hope you know...

you'll never ever leave me.

god i wish i could make this right wish there was something worth the time for him to give to me

today i walked down the hallway and you were my shadow. it's all i could think of, you walking with me down that same hallway. the smile on your face when you said, "i'm happy, see, kristen? don't i look happy?" and truthfully i should have said looks are deceiving, that nothings what it seems. i think i tried to fix it when it wasn't broken, but when i thought it was fixed it was broken. i can't look back because all of my fuckups with you haunt me and make light rooms turn dark. god i only wanted you to see who i really am, but thats hard as fuck when even i don't know who i am. i was so annoying to you, just someone to avoid. see, it was all due to my insatiable need to see you smile and hear your voice. you know what? i've always wanted to tell you this but never had the guts: your smile is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. there. it's done. (not really, but it is for the sake of my sanity.) we're done though (if we ever were.) you're gone. you're gone. you're gone. you're gone. it hurts so much, like a fucking knife scraping my insides. i just want to die... sleep forever. that's the truth. yesterday i thought about falling. eyes wide open blood dripping out of my mouth... warmth on my cheeks that i always had with you... it felt normal. Fuck, i'm insane. and you're everywhere. i think i'll go do something. something to make me feel okay. yeah, okay sounds good...

live for tomorrow and die today.

they give and you're silent as you take everything. you're a machine. as it crashes down on your shoulders, the smoke coming from you makes me choke. makes me sick. you let them ruin you. you let you ruin you. you're a mess / nothing more / nothing less. you don't look in the mirror because you have this fear of looking yourself in the eye. why do you try? i've got a golden lock but your key is silver. they say opposites attract but boy this aint science class. stop tripping start gripping -- those who can still look you in the eye. you say you kept me alive and all i wanted to do was die. you tell me, you've got the wit-- am i saving your life or just ruining it.

where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart.

Been hating those I love as of late. Also been loving those I hate. I've not much to say. Took a chance today though. Try it sometime. I've got no regrets.


The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming.




... yes. I did just quote batman.

there is a light and it never goes out.

There is a light
inside of us all
And it never goes out.

It dims, but never disappears.
That light, it seems,
holds strong through all of your years.

There is a light
inside of me
And inside of you
And I won't burn out
Until I've lit the skies with you.

I can taste

the blood in my mouth. It's rust. Metal. I can feel my heart in my throat and I can't breathe. For those of you listening-- may day, may day- this is my distress signal. My white flag is raised but black is all I see. I'm making lists of reasons to keep my feet on the ground. Places I haven't been. People I haven't met. Listening to the same song on repeat. "There was never any place for someone like me to be totally happy." It's deadly, but a soothing deadly. The other day I jerked the fake, pink flowers out of the vase on my computer desk and painted them with a sharpie. At least now they look real. Like someone owns them and not used for some bullshit just to impress those strangers and make them think these walls contain perfection. I almost died the other day. Don't fret, I'm alive... but someone I hardly know said something to me when I told them. "What a waste of talent and brain." I don't know if it exists still but I'm still holding on.

I don't think

a good puzzle ever hurt anybody.

Call On New Friends (because) Used Souls End Dormant.

I'm so sore in my heart, weak from the start. (I) told you to (take) me far away. (A)nd I told you to cut me off because I'm feeling fine, but truth is I find it
(hard) to get out of bed anymore. I've moved on, but dammit, I can't get it (right.) You were supposed to be my best friend. You know how I feel inside (but) still you fed me all these lies. There's nothing (left) of my soul to sell to anyone. Do you even know what a soul (is?) Even if you have one, I'm not sure (where) you keep it. (I) think there's too much revenge and angst boiling inside you to fit anything else. They say I (need) to let go of you but I don't know how (to.) I need someone to(be) my escape. You won't, though. (I) need you, you call in sick. The new yin-yang. You (break) me daily and you don't care. (My) life is so short and I've spent most of it on you. You don't (own) me. Or do you? You've ripped me apart, but I know in my (heart) that you don't mean to. (So you don't have to). anymore.

late night thoughts.

"i know you think i'm just a silly little girl, but i'd very much like to buy you the world."
"Quit keeping me up all night. Quit starring in my dreams. Quit distracting me. Quit speeding my heart. Quit taking my breath away. Syke. "
"I'll be your Nancy if you'll be my Sid. You have my heart, you can take my life too. I'm the secret you never hid & the only love you ever knew. "
"Time stood still for you."
"Someone is trying to tell me something. If I put myself out there, I can have everything I've ever dreamed of."
"I would empty my pockets of all money and cents if only I could buy self-confidence"
"My stomach hurts from telling the truth but here's one more round: I know you feel like you give give give, but I swear to God, I'd die to see you live. "
"Knock me out for all I'm worth. Lock me out inside the hearth. You hit me so hard, I'm down for the count. You've lit me a bard, I'm found at mount."

et cetera et cetera.

Some people just want put in. I just want put out.

tick tock. tick. tock. boom. clash. boom boom clash. tide rolls in and the kids splash. let it be, let it be, 'cos you ain't got nothin' on me. the kids say: he. ha. he, he, ha. i've got enough worries to break my jaw, but don't worry about me... don't worry at all.

tonight, tonight.
tonight...

is all right.

Ridin' the delta waves.

halfway here halfway home. wherever the hell that is. halfway here halfway lost. i know what that is. i got that late-night smile. come on and take it for a ride. brooklyn beats meet egyptian sheets. it's almost the day of loneliness. baby baby baby leave me be. baby baby baby can't you see. got nails in my hands got hail in my heart. that ain't love but it's a start. lean back, take your shoes off. stay awhile. you know i got something for you but that somethin' ain't true. you know me but who the hell are you?

today was a good day.

Honestly, I'm honesty.

I wish you would find this one night and know it was me. I wish you would know it was me praying for you every night and morning. I'm not even religious and I still do. I wish I could tell you that I wish for your health and happiness on every 11:11 I catch. My sensitivity grows with you. If you gave me a peculiar look, I'd probably feel like death. They don't understand... But neither do I... You make me feel emotions I didn't know possible. You make my knees shake in ways I never knew possible.

I. LOVE. YOU.
I say it on here in hope that it will balance out my lack of verbalizing it.

Good day.

Colour me a coincidence.

Hi, hello, and how are you.
Yeah, I know, I've missed you too.
Hey, I've got a question
if you've got the answer.
What happened to us?
We used to be so young, so stupid, so in love
as we held hand in the middle of that road.
I remember you telling me to jump
and you'd catch me.
You said you always would.
Well, I believed you.
Now, now, now,
I'm not trying to say that you've wasted my time.
Calm down now,
remember I'm here for you.
No, I didn't mean that.
I only meant that you've been slipping up.
Come on, admit it.
What was that?
That was kind of harsh, don't you think?
After all this time,
I'm only a phone click and call away.
Could I say the same for you?
I don't think so.
Quit shouting, would you?
You've changed so much,
but I still love you the same.
I've got another question
if you've got the answer.
And I know it's callous,
but I'd like to jump again.
But I need to know...
Will you be there to catch me?

You thought you knew me best. How could you have ever meant a thing to me?

A seven story fall off of the highest building of them all
I watched you drive away with my heart in the passenger seat
as I waved my white flag in defeat.
I am watching the boat of my old life disappear on the horizon
Is it so wrong that I want to see it sink?
Is it so wrong that I refuse to be your missing link?