me versus me: the unholy stream of subconscious.

i don't know what i want. i don't know who i am. i don't know where i'm going. all i have are these things i surround myself with. what makes me happy? i'm not too sure. i need to get my shit together but i don't quite know how... i gotta get the courage, gotta get that resilience. where is my strength? has it gone missing again? has it called in sick? why is my heart so heavy? what kind of doctor do you see to nurse your soul back to health? so many questions without answers. there has to be a trick to it. knock over that domino. light that fuse, blow up the whole place. this has gotten me nowhere.

watch me fly.

smoke and ash in my eyes. coins and cash in their minds. all their kids clog their minds wondering what isn't enough. i raise my hands to the heavens but i can't lift myself up. i'm running in circles looking for you. i grasp your hand in mine but you turn to dust. of course of course what did i expect? my mind smiles and tells me i'm nothing but a godforsaken reject. i know better than that but my main concern is where my heart is at. nothing good comes from crying but you'll never know for sure if you're not trying. my heart is an open book but you've got the pen. write it in like the others but i'll just watch it burn again. this girl has big dreams, bigger than you and bigger than me. these dreams mean nothing if she won't make them be- Something - is causing my bones to rattle. it's like every day has become an uphill battle. but i know i can take it though my heart is achin'. this world is mine so i'll open my door. "please god," i say as i watch the sun pour. the angels are singin' and i'm wingin' it but i know i can do this. i can do anything, so watch me be. i can do anything as long as i'm free.

to you, my interest.

to you, although you are happily in love as I am lead to believe.
to you, although you make me nervous with your logic.
to you, although you seem like a complicated puzzle that i'd die to complete.
to you, although you came into my life a year ago and i thought you were weird.
to you, because i don't mind the 'although's.'

I miss you but I will tell no one.

i forgot this place existed.

they want protection but only sometimes. where are your umbrellas when it rains love? typical pick and choose that should be all or nothing. here's the funny part of my life right now: i don't miss you. actually, i hope i never see your face again. it was pleasant to look at, i'll give you that. you melted by heart with your face tilted down but your eyes looking up at me, i'll give you that. but now that you're gone... i know i can go on by myself. i'm stronger without you. you tried to make me fall in love without even looking at me. thank you for taking my heart and dragging it into the pavement when you left this shithole town. i'm over it. kiss my ass.

(that felt so good)