i dream of your castle crashin'; just let me past your walls.

i never wanted to fall in love with you. god knows you were only going to walk right out of my door one day. i never should have let you in. to my heart, to my mind, to my apartment... i mean, jesus, you're everywhere in the place i call home. i try to forget about you and then i think, "ah, i remember when this happened in this room..." and i just fall right back in. it's helpless; it's hopeless. i know i'm immensely annoying and a general waste of your time, but please don't write me off just yet-- i'm in love with you. hell yes i never should have done those things, but i did, and it's over. i can't erase the things i've thought and how you've made me feel. it's done. give me some chances (i've ran away from saying "a chance" because mistakes are human error and god knows i fuck up) and i'll shine so bright i'll blind you, or try to. i know you're leaving soon but i hope you know...

you'll never ever leave me.

god i wish i could make this right wish there was something worth the time for him to give to me

today i walked down the hallway and you were my shadow. it's all i could think of, you walking with me down that same hallway. the smile on your face when you said, "i'm happy, see, kristen? don't i look happy?" and truthfully i should have said looks are deceiving, that nothings what it seems. i think i tried to fix it when it wasn't broken, but when i thought it was fixed it was broken. i can't look back because all of my fuckups with you haunt me and make light rooms turn dark. god i only wanted you to see who i really am, but thats hard as fuck when even i don't know who i am. i was so annoying to you, just someone to avoid. see, it was all due to my insatiable need to see you smile and hear your voice. you know what? i've always wanted to tell you this but never had the guts: your smile is the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. there. it's done. (not really, but it is for the sake of my sanity.) we're done though (if we ever were.) you're gone. you're gone. you're gone. you're gone. it hurts so much, like a fucking knife scraping my insides. i just want to die... sleep forever. that's the truth. yesterday i thought about falling. eyes wide open blood dripping out of my mouth... warmth on my cheeks that i always had with you... it felt normal. Fuck, i'm insane. and you're everywhere. i think i'll go do something. something to make me feel okay. yeah, okay sounds good...